The Clou

so i recently realized i have a very bad eating habit at the moment. since i cant find a job and school hasnt started yet for me i feel like my parents think im just some freeloader. thats not even the case. =/  if i could leave then yes i would but i cant. everytime im in the kitchen i feel they think im just here eating all their food away. and you know me....i eat ALOT. but lately ill eat maybe a bowl of cereal in the morning then wait till they go to bed and then eat. its like i only eat at night.  maybe im just dumb and thinking too into it. i just dont want my parents to think im just a dead beat there. my dad thinks im depressed all the time and my mom thinks all i do is nothing all day. when really im still looking for a job all this time. x_X

sometimes i think i eat faaaarrr too much but im afraid that if i were to eat a normal amount that it wouldnt be enough and id end up losing weight or something from the lack of food i eat. i hate being skinny. grrrrrr!!!!!!

the bus ran out of gas.

the puppy is so lost it may not come back.

and the kitty is so distracted by horrible yarn to even notice i exist.

the only things im getting now are things i dont wana bother with.

you picture your best friend with a lard ass boy and decide to go STRAIGHT!!!!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!??!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!??!?!
 

 

 

for some reason in the back of my mind.....................i still always had this sense of hope.

even though i full well knew it was false.

soooooooo.........................lots of interesting stuffs i suppose.  broke up with greg yesterday. =/ real bummer. at least it wasnt dramatic but it was definately weird.  we both didnt want to break up but it was one of those things where you both know that it wouldnt work.  its hard to explain but yea, its probably better this way. at least we still talk n stuff. sorta.  bleh.

CONVERTING VEGITARIANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hung out with kathleen. visited teh arlington. saw nikki. were sorta talking again.  saw other peoples. picked up jennifer.  did all kinds of crazy stuffs today.  overdosed on chipotle and slurpees. GOT MY NOTCTURNAL TICKET!!!!!!!!!! turned in my old txt books and got like $57 for em and the ticket was only $48 so wewt! i haz leftovers.  i was scared that i wouldnt get the money but now that im going for sure im like soooooooooooooooooo fawking totally stoked!!  i think its so awsome that im gona be with kathleen too and even jennifer is going. dang. thats gona be bomb with all our kandi sick ass piece at the bomb ass rafe. jennifers frist rafe. hahahha. plus i get to meet flatline. but thats another story. i was actually considering tagging along with anthony and nikki when they go to a small one before nocturnal maybe if they do. maybe itll get my hyped up.

school soon. bleh. nuff said.

im ADDICTED to arby n the chief as well as dead fantasy but more so dead fantasy. ive srsly liked watched them a million times and im not exagerating.  im trying to find other epic stuffs but idk. cant find much.

i suppose thats all. i gotta poop and im back to the youtube addictions.

i just know it. i knew it was gona. =/

as much as i dont want it to happen..............i know deep down and in the back of my mind that chances are it wouldnt work out.

plus i did what i swore id never do again. x_X   and no i dont think ill mention it for quite some time if at all.

.....ummmm.......if someone decides to.........give up sex.................especially after having it with you.......................is that baaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddd???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

even though they said it was geeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwddddddddddd!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!??!?!??!?!!






KILL ME NOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


i want hug.      i want hug..........from you.

yea.

SO!SO!SO!SO!SO!SO!SO!SO!SO!SO!SO!SO!SO!SO! <------------ my roflcopter

finally went to my first rave with Aj, Anthony, Simon, and Andrew. fawkin amazing. had the night of my life. i was rolling soooo hard.  i loved it.

me and aj stayed with eachother most of the night.  anthony got a wifey.  simon and drew did their own thing.  oh man the hardcore room was the best.  it was a super tiny room for the hardcore but damn it was good. there was a point where only me and aj were dancing and then he sat to the side but i kept going and then the room got so much fuller and people just piled into the sides and everyone was cheering and going wooo!!!!   hahahaha. oh man i loved it.  it made me feel so liked and appreciated and.........sexy. hahaha. this girl even came up and took a pic of me dancing. oh how i longed to feel so good.  i really needed that.  met so many new people. im still mind blown yet so sore. its wierd cause i never dance yet that night i danced the night away. i dont think ive ever danced so much before. def. gona do more. they even had huge ass screens playin vid games. only played a little. but i totally kicked ass!! so many people kept saying i was pretty and gorgeous and soooo many people kept taking pics of me. thats how i got my rave name, "Pretty Boy"

phew. yeeaa. i love this. i wish greg went though. =/ the whole time i kept wishing he was there with me to enjoy it with me. i wanted to dance with him.  his rents are cunts. im gona need to kidnap him to one. srsly. 0.0 cant wait for nocturnal with kathleen. im psyched!!

i wish youd stop being an ass to my friends.

i wish my friends werent so blind to how you treat them.

i wish my chance to show you how i feel about you would come sooner so then maybe youd snap out of it since talking to you obviously isnt enough and your only getting worst and your light years past the line.

sooooo..........im pretty sure there was something you werent telling me and now i know there really wasnt.

stop this game and just tell me.

im really sick of all this.

sooooooo..................you wana get close to me? suddenly now.

you fucked up. thats all your fault.

im not even sure i believe your intentions.

im very tempted to let you get close then shove it back in your face with a taste of your own medicine.

sure i know its immature but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

how dare you! arent you done? havent you done enough? you just have to dig deeper dont you? going after the one thing you fucking know more than ANYTHING that would fucking get to me.  how mother fucking dare you!!  leave it all the fuck alone.  go back to your depressed little pathetic life of yours.  theres no room for it in mine.  you fucked up. thats all on you.  i did nothing to deserve this from you or anybody else.  if anything I should be the one fucking ruining YOUR life.  go fucking die.  i really really truly truly fucking hate you.   i dont even see how your friends can stand how you treat people.  everytime i see you or even think of you i just wana fucking beat you down to a mother fuckin bloody pulp.  your lucky that i dont or cant for that matter.  fucking end it now before you even start shit with any of them.  stick to your fucking pathetic wasted life of lonliness and laziness.

lately so many boys have been saying that im so perfect and sweet and funny and cute and hot and so much more.

even a boy ive talked to for quite some time.

even a boy that i just started talking to yesterday.

if im so great.................then why have my last 2 boyfriends totally been assholes and taken me for granted and even cheated on me?

and why did you know who suddenly change his mind?

it doesnt make sense to me.

luckily i still have options.

i still dont know what to wear on friday. >.<

the necklace i stole from a certain "friend" of mine is really nice but idk how to get the charm thing off withought ruining the necklace.

i really want him to go but i dont want to face the whole re-inviting thing.

i wish he would go in the first place.

i wonder how much booze i can get for my party.

i think i invited too many people.

i should really get to bed.

the only thing keeping me entertained right now is fml, mikey and chris.
<3~ to all three.

i hope she actually sets us up.

i hope we actually hit it off.

im hungry but living things are downstairs and id rather not wake em.

i want the t.v they said theyd let me put in my room already.

i wish she would tell him the truth so the healing process could begin already.

i want a new phone.

my room is a mess.

i hope things dont work out for him.

i hope she gets over him.

i hope he doesnt think it will work between us.

your starting to bore me.

i wish we were closer................emotionally.

just a few discreet things that are bothering me.

but to be honest............the only reason i dont like him is cause it seems like you like him more than me. =/

whats even worst is you tell me how much you like him.

i suppose i cant really do anything in the first place about someone suddenly coming in and taking over.

to not be used or taken for granted for those he likes once in awhile?

you finally got the cry.

i hope your not happy now.

doesnt matter.

you fuck yourself over anyways.

its not the matter of power,
it isn't wealth,
look in the mirror,
all is not lost,
take my hand for we want the same thing,
i love to love,
id love for you to love me.

 ive got some pent up love and cuddles.  ive been in a cuddly mood lately.  im always like that i guess though. idk.

maybe its the fact that 2 out of the 3 boys i was trying to see if anything would go somewhere with (no not in a whorish way) ended up with rejection. the first one i dont really care about now but the 2nd one..............the rejection doesnt bother me................its just who its to. and the fact that their playing spider, reeling in the moth.

as for boy number 3. we soooooo hit it off.  i really like him. the only thing is its so hard to really spend time together.  i mean he always says he wants to spend time with me and when we do we always laugh, joke, mess around and all that fun stuff.   he holds my hand when we walk and even kisses me here and there.  its so cute. its not in that benefriends kind of way. its like were already together or something.  he even told me that he really likes me.  its just annoying constantly trying to hang out.  i feel like im bugging even though he says im not.  hmm...........idk.

me and monica have talked about boy number 4 at her party................to be honest im not entirely interested. im a bit put off. idk. we'll see.

the good thing...........which makes me happy, is that despite how badly i wana be cute and cuddly and lovey with someone and spend time with that boy.................im not sad or lonely. which is great.

idk what it is.  im just an uber loveing and cuddly person.

side note: ive decided that mili can only stay at my house again as long as im not tired in the first place. turned out hes one of those people that doesnt really sleep all that much.  i had to stay up all night to entertain him.  not that i didnt really mind. haha.  ANYWAYZ, there was a point that i just ended up knocking out. turned out he did too.

so things are pretty decent.  the single life is annoying frustrating yet fun and such a relief.  the good thing is it turns out i had a few choices already around the corner.  n_n  though due to whats going on im not sure which ones will be staying. oh well.  ill see what happens.  im single. i gotta play around. just not in a ho baggish way. if you know what i mean.

as for tonight, another dennys allnighter with monica.  not sure who else is going.  i tried to get mili to go but phail.

so today was pretty awsome. started out kinda retarded. ugh! yard work.  went to go see my cuzins play. i loved it.  i had an extra ticket. i decided to take my good friend Mili.  im glad i did.  hes fun.  were at my aunts house right now. stole my cuzins compooper.  lookin at vids n stuffs.  hes staying the night at my hoose. XD ooooo. haha.

<----------- hes right there. he just laughed at that.